It's Been Awhile, But I Can Explain...

I got to have breakfast with a two very dear friends of mine the other day. Turns out that this breakfast was going to last three hours. I was okay with that. It was good to see her sweet smile and bouncy personality again after not seeing her for months. And as for seeing Him, well, let's just say that it was a very needed confrontation (and a very good one at that).


He played her like a puppet, making her say every word that I have been waiting to hear all year long. I had goosebumps, chills, and red, tear-filled eyes the entire time. If you have read the few posts from this year, you would know that I have been struggling all semester with a longing for the fellowship that I had grown accustomed to through my high school days. One thing that I have grown to learn about myself is that if something is really bothering me, I will keep myself so busy that I can just forget the pain and pretend like it's not there. So in the pain of loneliness, I made myself unbelievably busy. I turned my "relationship" with Christ into some sort of religious checklist as if I were a pharisee. I'm pretty sure I have been acting like one as well. Anyway, so with this checklist of things that I had to do I set my expectations at the impossible level. It's called perfection. Here is part of the list of expectations that I have had for myself and from other people for the past year:


All A's and B's in school (and if I get a C, I gotta pay mom $303 for the class. right now, I owe mom $606...)
Work four days a week to barely make enough money for gas and contact work
Find a second job for the summer so I won't have to stress out so much when school starts
Know my dance routine perfectly
Learn to love the middle school girls I dance with and have better relationships with them
Please my mom with how often I was home for "family time"
Read my bible
Pray
Memorize scripture
Do contact work with all of the girls that I have had on my heart
Plan the perfect Club talk
Have good meaningful lessons for S.O.L.
Be a good role model and leader to the girls I have been investing in
Get 1st time, non-believers to camp this summer
Spend quality time on a regular basis with my dad
Spend time with the girls I led in Wyldlife that often tell me how I let them down
Spend quality time on a regular basis with my grandparents
Make a friend
Find fellowship
Grow in my faith
Help with the construction that is currently going on in every single room of my house
Get my car fixed (yes, even my new car seems to have never ending problems)


The list goes on. As I type that list, I feel a buzz in my head. It's my looming headache coming on. The point of that is that I have been unbelievably stressed.


As I went on at breakfast about the things that have been keeping me busy this past year, my friends eyes watered and she yawned. This reaction wasn't because she was bored or not interested but it was because just hearing about what I was putting myself under was exhausting just to hear about. When I was done, I sighed and looked away. After a moment of silence, she asked me, "Lauren, what is it that you want from all of these things? What do you want from life?" I tried to dodge the question by explaining that none of my responsibilities could really be given up that I would just have to deal with what I'd been given. Quietly she said to me, "I don't think you have to stop doing something to somehow create more time in your life, you need to think about the expectations you put on yourself. Cause the one's you are putting on yourself right now are impossible." She is completely right. At that moment, He, my Lord, Savior, Protector, Perfect Father, and Redeemer spoke to me. I realized what He has been trying to speak to me all year long. He told me, "beloved, I am well pleased with you."

Dear Brooke, I actually wrote this awhile back and I'm just now getting to finish it. Thank you for being such a great friend to me. I will never forget the ways that our Lord has used you in my life. Somehow I feel like I have gotten even more busy since we last met, but the Lord has given me even more peace. I have learned that rest is not about how much sleep or downtime I am getting each day. It's about giving my worries and my life away to Christ. I know He has an amazing plan for my life so why would I ever try and do it by myself?! That would just be one more thing for me to worry about.

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

A Memory I Would Hate to Forget

You know those funny, sweet, or touching moments that you never want to forget. This is one of them. I hope that it doesn't seem silly to you; that it's not one of those stories where you think I should have found $10 in the parking lot afterwards. If it is, forgive me.

This past weekend, I was headed downtown with a good friend after having a sweet treat. We were going just to hang out and window shop. Since she didn't know her way around town, I led the way. The worst thing about following someone is when there is a yellow light and they make it through the light but you get stuck behind and then you're lost. This is what happens to us. Well, almost. Normally I would have gone through this light that was just turning yellow but then I looked in my reirview mirror and saw that she wouldn't make it through with me. I quickly decided to slam on my breaks. Don't worry, she was far enough away that she had plenty of time to stop. But since I slammed on my breaks, they squealed and probably made a mark on the road. It was so loud that my friend heard it from behind me. I looked at her stopped behind me and we both laughed about how that sound my car made was ridiculous. I look over, and someone else was laughing at me too. A homeless man. I'm not sure of course what his name was but I am very glad we shared a laugh together. If I ever see him again, I'm sure he will remember me as the crazy driver. Great. But, I hope the laugh blessed his day and maybe, Lord willing, I will see him some other time and be able to bless him again. Then I can give him the $10 I found in the parking lot.

I Struggle To Find Any Truth In Your Lies

I used to get migraine headaches religiously in middle school. My doctor told me it was probably coming from the stresses of learning how to live in that chaotic period of life. He told me that when you get really stressed and don't have a way to release the tension, your body shuts down and you get a severe headache that is supposed to relieve your body of the stress you're holding on to. I started getting them again around the time my parents got divorced and when I was going through a bad break-up. Those headaches have come back yet again to haunt me. I had one today. My body was ready to release the stresses of yesterday.

I have recently run into my ex-boyfriend (who we will call bob) way more than I really ever wanted. Its been about two years now since we broke up and the horrors of it still harass me. I do not wish to share any specifics about what happened; my purpose is not to bash him because I was not perfect either. My reason for this post is to share with you the freedom that Christ has to offer us. I will tell you though that through the breakup, my self-esteem was put through the garbage disposal with name calling and lies about who he thought I was. It took a good year to become confident in who I was in Christ and to be honest, I still occasionally struggle with it.

I met a guy in my Calc class that just happens to be one of Bob's good friends. He seemed to think that it would be a good idea to share with me a few of the things that Bob had said about me. One of the things that stuck was that I was some "crazy freak woman." Thinking about this now sort of makes me laugh. Bob had been more creative than that in the past. I know I'm not crazy. I may be a little bit quirky; but who isn't? Anyway, for whatever reason, this really got to me. Satan had a field day in my head. He took that one lie and made hundreds from it. I had to skip my Calc class this morning to write a paper that I wasn't able to write the day before because of the condition of my mind. After talking to a few people about what was going on, I'm realizing more and more that the Lord is keeping Bob in my life so that I can truly forgive him and move on. I have been holding on to this anger and fear of him and though it's not something that I think about often, it's still there. He is showing me that there is no reason to fear Bob; for I have the Lord and He has overcome the world (John 16:33). I am learning to cast these lies at the foot of the cross. Satan is no longer welcome to control this situation; he has lost the battle.

Today, I got to spend some time with one of my best friends who has such a loving heart that she was willing to rub my back for three hours while I tried to sleep the migraine off. She sent me this message:

"Lauren's a crazy lady?

that must be why I spent 3 hours giving her a back massage today when she wasn't feeling good, why I try to text her every night about my devo readings, why I'd rather photograph her downtown instead of her taking pictures of me, why we have breakfast and fellowship at Panera every Wednesday morning, why she's read blog posts I'll never ever post, why she's freaking beautiful, why she never hesitates to hang out with us, why we have the best car rides jamming to music, why she loves us so much, and why we love her SO FREAKING MUCH!

yeah, she's gotta be one serious nutcase."

Thank you for the reminder of those that do love me! And in case you didn't know, the Bible is a great place to find the truth about who Christ says you are. Christ came and died and rose again so that we could be free and not tied down by the lies of this world. Fly with Christ and in the freedom that He has given you.

"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

I Feel It Too

It's so easy just to tell someone that everything is great or you're having a good day when somebody asks you how things are going. Why do we feel this sort of pressure to act like we have it all together? To make it seem like we can do it on our own? Especially when we know that we can do nothing on our own; how prideful would it be to say that we could? (John 15 talks about this).



I remember a conversation I had with a good friend named Tim Henderson once. We were standing in the Junior hallway just before the school bell rang to begin the day. He turned and looked at me with sort of a forced smile on his face and sagging shoulders that told a story of hardship. He asked the same question that everybody asks when you talk to someone you haven't seen in a day or two: "How are you doing?" Of course you are supposed to respond with a positive "I'm great! How about you?" and move on as if all of that was just a computers automated response to the "How are you" button and not actually a real question. My answer was of course that everything was going well. I returned that same question to Tim and his response was the same. As soon as I heard him say that, I immediately felt fake; just like a robot with no heart. I turned back to him and asked him if we could start over. We both knew we had lied to one another about the condition of our hearts. Before I had gotten to school that day, I had a terrible fight with my father; I had been on the verge of tears all morning. Tim confessed that he was not honest either. On our way to homeroom, we were able to talk to one another about what we were going through so that we could be praying for each other.



I share this story only because it reminds me of how there is no real reason to pretend like I have it all figured out and that life is perfect. Who honestly has a perfect life? On that note, the hard times that we go through are all for a reason. Maybe the Lord is trying to wake you up and show you how much you need Him - tell someone about it. There is freedom in honesty. How is the condition of your heart? I want the honest truth.



Lord, thank you that you are made perfect in my weakness.



Yours truly, Lauren

There Aren't Even Words

Dear best friend,

I am reminded often that I am blessed to have you as a friend. You see, I tell everyone about you as though I am a proud mother. My heart races with excitement when you tell me that you want to hang out with me. You are the only friend that is still around here that I feel really comfortable with and I hate that I don't tell you often enough how amazing you are. I remember all of the great times we have had together. I smile with a slight laugh and my eyes well up because of the joy in my heart from those memories. You are a girl after the Lord's heart and I have never seen anything so beautiful. You are my best friend and don't ever forget it! When I am engaged one day, you will be the first on the list to know. You will be at my wedding. You will be there when I have babies and heck maybe you will be a godmother. I want you in my life; for the rest of my life. I love you so much I hope you know. You are like my baby sister and I don't know what I would do without you.

May the Lord bless you and keep you close.

Your sister, Lauren

I Give You My Heart

John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace, in this world, you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." Before Christ shares this, he was teaching about the vine and the branches and then about Him leaving this place and going back to the Father. This is one of those verses that I go back to time and time again.

Last semester was one of the hardest ones I have gone through in awhile. You would think my parents getting a divorce, my dad verbally abusing me, or an awful breakup would have been worse, but I would tell you they were about the same. During those times, I remembered the peace that Christ provides for us and the truth about who we are; children of Christ - His beloved. Through all of those hard times in life, Christ took the broken pieces of my heart and held it together.

This time, there wasn't anyone else in the picture; no one that "caused" my problems - not that all of those things that happened were not partially my fault. This is where your English teacher would talk about Man vs. Self. which is really the worst. You can't really confront yourself.

College has sucked. I don't know how else to put it. The Lord spoiled me so much with such great fellowship in high school and now, with most of my best friends gone, except for a few very special people, I feel so lonely. I imagine that this is how Adam felt when he spent what would have probably been years in the garden naming animals and not having anyone like him to share a laugh with. Thankfully, I have been able to grow closer with some really awesome high schoolers that have beautiful hearts. This has been such an encouragement to me.

The Lord has been teaching me that sometimes, like Adam, we have to be patient and wait for the things He has for us. "He has made everything beautiful in it's time" Ecclesiastes 3:11. I have faith that something unexpectedly magnificent will come of this time. This will soon become a chapter in my life that I look back on and praise the Lord for what He has done just as I do with the other chapters of my life.

Lord, show me your Glory. You have my heart.

Love, Lauren

The night I will never forget

My palms were sweaty like the perspiration from a glass of ice tea on a hot day and I was a bit shaky from the nerves. My mind was racing and winning the Daytona 500. Leanne, the dining hall boss, had just told me I had to share my testimony with over 600 kids that I had never met before. I have never been more excited; but my heart was torn, I was scared speechless. I thought about the hundreds of dance recitals I have been in; but somehow, it didn’t compare. I knew exactly what I had to say. How could you forget your life story? I wrote it down carefully as if I were taking the only notes I could use on an open-notes quiz. I was ready. My life was scribbled onto a fresh sheet of my green journal paper that still had the little frillies hanging off the left side.

It was only an hour until it was time for me to share. I felt as though I were waiting in line for a monstrous new rollercoaster on a hot day and every minute that passed, I would feel more frightened than the minute before. I was in a small un-air-conditioned room with 30 of my closest friends that were serving in different jobs around the camp; but we were all there to do the same thing: impact someone with the way Christ had impacted us. We sat in a circle; some on the comfy couches and the others on the itchy, hard carpet. They were keeping me calm and telling cheesy jokes to keep me from over analyzing and worrying myself over things that were useless to worry about. We settled down and rehearsed the songs one last time and though none of us were professional singers, it sounded as though the room was full of the joyful praises of the angels. When we were done with the last song, the silence was deafening and everything about that moment was as pure as freshly fallen snow at midnight. It was finally time to go to the club room and share what we had rehearsed with the campers. The campers had no idea what was going to happen next so we had to be as quiet as Jerry, the mouse, running past Tom to get the cheese without being caught. We waited outside the club room for our time to sneak in. We all sat in the darkness and enjoyed the perfect night. The grass was long, soft, and a bit damp from the bits of dew. Camp was a good 20 miles or more from any cities to pollute the sky with light so instead, God filled it for us with every star in the universe. The occasional shooting star across the sky wasn’t unusual either. There was a slight breeze that was a breath of fresh air in the choking heat of June. I sat by myself praying and admiring the stars to calm myself. My friends noticed me by myself and sensed my nervousness. They figured that the best comfort was a hand laid, and a prayer said. One by one, they came and prayed over me. It was the most humbling and beautiful thing anyone could ever experience. It felt as though God stopped time and the world around us so that we could experience a love out of this world. I shed a tear of joy as they lifted me in prayer to my Father. Suddenly, our boss broke the silence and the world around us was moving again. She called us in through the back door. It was red and a little squeaky which made it hard to be as quiet as we would have liked. My nerves immediately got worse but I was trying to hold them back; but like a little girl trying to hold back an excited hundred pound Labrador retriever, I could only hold them for so long. I was jittery to the point of not being aware of my surroundings. My friends had to nudge me on the shoulder to wake me up from this trance and make me realize that the line going inside was moving. On the stage, we set up the rows of chairs and benches and then it was time to quietly get in line next to your best friend just like we did in kindergarten. Then we filed in and got situated in our seats while we waited for the campers to come in for the surprise.

The campers drifted in slowly, some were crying and others praising God. Lives were changed and something bigger than us came in with those campers. When they were all there and sitting down we sang our first song. It was beautiful just like when we had rehearsed it. Now, it was my time to share. The seconds that it took for the microphone to get to me felt as long as when a teacher is passing out a test that you either failed or aced and whatever it is will determine the fate of your weekend. It finally reached me and I carefully turned it on and the light on it went from red to green. I looked out into the sea of campers eagerly waiting for what I was going to say, but all I could see was a bright white light shining in my eyes and a few black figures behind that blinding light. My palms were still sweaty and I was afraid that my voice would crack just like my thirteen year old cousin does when he tries to talk to girls. As soon as I opened my mouth, the words flowed swiftly and easily like a hidden stream in the forest; the Holy Spirit had taken over. I shared of my hard past with my earthly father and the suffering that came with it. I then told of the amazing love of my heavenly Father and how He changed my life and that He could also change theirs. I can’t quite remember the exact words that were said, but I know that the Lord spoke through me and that it had come out perfectly. When I was done, I switched the microphone off and the light above the switch turned from green, back to red. Suddenly, for whatever reason those nerves came back on me. My heart was heavy, and my body ached. I had given all of my strength and shared the deepest parts of my heart; parts that were life changing for me and that I hoped would be life changing for others. After one deep breath and the reassurance from my best friend sitting next to me, the Holy Spirit took that weight from me. It was gone and I felt as though there was nothing I could do to make this moment more perfect and peaceful.