I got to have breakfast with a two very dear friends of mine the other day. Turns out that this breakfast was going to last three hours. I was okay with that. It was good to see her sweet smile and bouncy personality again after not seeing her for months. And as for seeing Him, well, let's just say that it was a very needed confrontation (and a very good one at that).
He played her like a puppet, making her say every word that I have been waiting to hear all year long. I had goosebumps, chills, and red, tear-filled eyes the entire time. If you have read the few posts from this year, you would know that I have been struggling all semester with a longing for the fellowship that I had grown accustomed to through my high school days. One thing that I have grown to learn about myself is that if something is really bothering me, I will keep myself so busy that I can just forget the pain and pretend like it's not there. So in the pain of loneliness, I made myself unbelievably busy. I turned my "relationship" with Christ into some sort of religious checklist as if I were a pharisee. I'm pretty sure I have been acting like one as well. Anyway, so with this checklist of things that I had to do I set my expectations at the impossible level. It's called perfection. Here is part of the list of expectations that I have had for myself and from other people for the past year:
All A's and B's in school (and if I get a C, I gotta pay mom $303 for the class. right now, I owe mom $606...)
Work four days a week to barely make enough money for gas and contact work
Find a second job for the summer so I won't have to stress out so much when school starts
Know my dance routine perfectly
Learn to love the middle school girls I dance with and have better relationships with them
Please my mom with how often I was home for "family time"
Read my bible
Pray
Memorize scripture
Do contact work with all of the girls that I have had on my heart
Plan the perfect Club talk
Have good meaningful lessons for S.O.L.
Be a good role model and leader to the girls I have been investing in
Get 1st time, non-believers to camp this summer
Spend quality time on a regular basis with my dad
Spend time with the girls I led in Wyldlife that often tell me how I let them down
Spend quality time on a regular basis with my grandparents
Make a friend
Find fellowship
Grow in my faith
Help with the construction that is currently going on in every single room of my house
Get my car fixed (yes, even my new car seems to have never ending problems)
The list goes on. As I type that list, I feel a buzz in my head. It's my looming headache coming on. The point of that is that I have been unbelievably stressed.
As I went on at breakfast about the things that have been keeping me busy this past year, my friends eyes watered and she yawned. This reaction wasn't because she was bored or not interested but it was because just hearing about what I was putting myself under was exhausting just to hear about. When I was done, I sighed and looked away. After a moment of silence, she asked me, "Lauren, what is it that you want from all of these things? What do you want from life?" I tried to dodge the question by explaining that none of my responsibilities could really be given up that I would just have to deal with what I'd been given. Quietly she said to me, "I don't think you have to stop doing something to somehow create more time in your life, you need to think about the expectations you put on yourself. Cause the one's you are putting on yourself right now are impossible." She is completely right. At that moment, He, my Lord, Savior, Protector, Perfect Father, and Redeemer spoke to me. I realized what He has been trying to speak to me all year long. He told me, "beloved, I am well pleased with you."
Dear Brooke, I actually wrote this awhile back and I'm just now getting to finish it. Thank you for being such a great friend to me. I will never forget the ways that our Lord has used you in my life. Somehow I feel like I have gotten even more busy since we last met, but the Lord has given me even more peace. I have learned that rest is not about how much sleep or downtime I am getting each day. It's about giving my worries and my life away to Christ. I know He has an amazing plan for my life so why would I ever try and do it by myself?! That would just be one more thing for me to worry about.
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
